Try us for just three minutes

Updated: 13 Jun 2023

If you're finding it difficult to socialise again in widowhood, consider giving an Oddfellows event a try for just three minutes.

Remove the pressure

This unusual offer is based on the ‘Three Minute Carrot Method’, which gives you permission to stop or leave something after three minutes instead of feeling daunted by staying for an hour.

The technique was suggested by Clinical Psychologist and author, Dr Jennifer Wild, who was asked for her advice on ways in which people can rebuild social confidence after losing a partner.

Dawn Walters, spokesperson for the Oddfellows, a not-for-profit which brings people together in the community for social activities, said: “Trying something new can be nerve-wracking, especially if it’s the first time an individual has really put themselves in a social setting without having their partner by their side.

“We’d obviously love people to stay for the entirety of our events, but we also recognise that people need to move at their own pace. So, if you decide that three minutes is enough for you that day, that’s totally fine. If you want to stay longer, then that’s great also.”

Pictured left to right: Val enjoying an afternoon tea at her local Mersey Oddfellows with Social Organiser, Angela Murray, and fellow member Edwina Rowlands

Mersey Oddfellows member, Val Rider, 81, whose husband of 50 years died five years ago, says the friendship and support of her local Oddfellows group has helped her enormously.

She said: “I miss John terribly, and I always will, but there’s something about going to the Oddfellows’ meet-ups that provided something my family and my friends couldn’t.

“I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it’s the fact that it’s so reliable and constant. I can look at the diary and see what’s coming up and I look forward to it and it’s just me, I’m not relying on anyone else.

“Grief never leaves you – some days I don’t want to get out of bed because John’s not there, but with the Oddfellows I have things to look forward to.”

"Give yourself permission to stop or leave something early."

Dr Wild, who has written a series of blogs for the Oddfellows, commented: “The Three Minute Carrot Method gives you permission to stop or leave something early. After your three minutes you can decide if you are going to turn around and go home, or if you are going to carry on. You’ll find, more often than not, that you will carry on. But by giving yourself permission to leave, it relieves the pressure.”

Dawn Walters added: “When Dr Wild explained this technique to us, we wanted to share her advice more widely as it could be the thing that encourages someone to take that one small positive step forwards."

Dr Jennifer Wild, Consultant Clinical Psychologist and associate professor at the University of Oxford

Oddfellows friendship groups

If you have lost someone close to you, when you feel ready to socialise again, why not give an Oddfellows friendship group a try? There's no obligation to join. Just come along for a taster.

You can find your nearest by using our Branch Finder, or use our Events Finder to search for social events and activities happening near to where you live or online.

Contact us to request your free information pack and local events diary.

Read more advice on making friends and building social confidence in our friendship guides section.

Read real-life stories from our members about how the Oddfellows helped them to socialise again following the loss of a partner in our 'first steps' section.

Specialist bereavement support

The Oddfellows' teams are not trained to offer specialist bereavement support. If at any stage you feel that your grief is having a permanent impact on your life and your mood, or you are struggling to cope, you should talk this through with your doctor, or with a bereavement support organisation.

View a list of trusted specialist bereavement support organisations with advice services.

About Dr Jennifer Wild

Dr Jennifer Wild is a consultant clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Oxford. Her book, Be Extraordinary: 7 Key Skills to Transform your Life from Ordinary to Extraordinary, is about how to transition from ordinary to extraordinary. For more information go to https://www.beextraordinarybook.com/.

DISCLAIMER: Links to third-party sites do not constitute an endorsement by the Oddfellows and use of the advertised products and services is entirely at your risk. The Oddfellows does not accept any liability or responsibility for any third party material on other websites.