‘Give yourself a chance’ after loss

Updated: 25 Sep 2024

Grief sticks around long after losing someone, but opening yourself up to new people and experiences can help you to cope. This is the advice of Terry Rendle, a member of Oswald Oddfellows.

A man in the foreground with people sat around a table in the background
Terry, pictured right, with his Oddfellows friends

Terry's wife of 36 years, Patricia, passed away in June 2001, just three weeks after their first granddaughter was born.

“It’s still not easy to think or talk about,” he said. “I still take flowers up to the cemetery for her.”

The 85-year-old retired mechanic from Southampton, Terry, admits that in the early years following his wife’s death he was at a loose end, adding: “When my dad lost my mum he just gave up and I saw myself going the same way. I knew I had to do something.”

Support to move forward

Taking it on himself to start trying new things, Terry went in search of social groups. At some point he came across local friendly society, Oswald Oddfellows.

He said: “I don’t remember where I heard about the Oddfellows but I thought ‘anything is better than nothing’.”

A man and a woman laughing together
The Oddfellows hosts a wide range of events and all are welcome

The Oddfellows is one of the UK’s largest friendly societies, with around 40,000 members across 99 branches. It’s a non-profit mutual run by members, for members, to improve the quality of people’s lives.

Terry found an array regular meet-ups and activities with friendly, like-minded locals on his doorstep, including coffee mornings, talks, walks and quizzes. All the events were organised for him and he could simply turn up to and join in the fun.

Renewed purpose

Gradually, Terry began to help out with the group’s activities and volunteer where he could, and these days is an integral part of his Branch. He comes up with ideas for events, plans and advertises them, organises and purchases supplies, arranges catering, sells tickets, physically arranges chairs and tables in the room, taxis people to and from, hosts and clears up after.

These contributions haven't gone unnoticed. Earlier this year, Terry received national recognition for the part he plays in ensuring Oswald Oddfellows' social offering is as brilliant as can be.

A man stood at a table smiling while others are seated
Terry now volunteers with the Oddfellows 

He said: “I didn’t really plan to get involved but bit by bit I started to do more. It gave me something to focus on. Life was a bit better.

“The Oddfellows, along with a charity that I became involved with, gave me something else to think about and took me away from the problem. It was a break from reality for a while. It gave me a chance to escape into something different.”

He added: “The Oddfellows gave me purpose. It’s something in my life for me. Something to look forward to.

“Socialising is incredibly important as you get older. It keeps your brain busy and your body busy which means you might last a bit longer.”

Yvonne Kiley-Fuller, Branch Secretary at Oswald Oddfellows, said: “We’re really glad Terry found the Oddfellows when he did and we were able to represent something positive in his life when he needed it most. And as it turns out, he’s been such a wonderful addition to our group. We don’t know where we’d be without him!

“Joining a social group like ours is by no means a cure for grief. Nothing is. But by surrounding yourself with good people, and having a variety of things to look forward to, it can certainly help.”

You don’t ever get over it but you do learn to live with it. Terry Rendle

Terry has offered his advice to people in a similar position to what he was, saying: “If you don’t seem right, it’s worth joining something like the Oddfellows. Give yourself a chance at a slightly better life.

“If you sit back and do nothing you’ll feel much worse. You don’t ever get over it but you do learn to live with it.”

A man and a woman read a menu together
There are 99 Oddfellows branches throughout the UK

Oddfellows friendship groups

If you have lost someone close to you, when you feel ready to socialise again, why not give an Oddfellows friendship group a try? There's no obligation to join. Just come along for a taster.

You can find your nearest group by using our Branch Finder, or use our Events Finder to search for social events and activities happening near to where you live or online.

Contact us to request your free information pack and local events diary.

For more advice on making friends and building social confidence visit our friendship guides section.

Read real-life stories from our members, like Terry, about how the Oddfellows helped them to socialise again following the loss of a partner in our 'first steps' section.

Specialist bereavement support

The Oddfellows' teams are not trained to offer specialist bereavement support. If at any stage you feel that your grief is having a permanent impact on your life and your mood, or you are struggling to cope, you should talk this through with your doctor or with a bereavement support organisation.

View a list of trusted specialist bereavement support organisations with advice services.